By doing important gigs and achievements: First time dancing solo in the Club, after knocking down Madison, after the theatrical Play, the Fashion Days Event etc. It goes down if MJ becomes a regular stripper.
I have some constructive criticism. But I first want to acknowledge that Basilicata is doing something innovative combining visual novel and board game mechanics. That is a new idea, I have currently not seen anyone else attempt this. I do like the concept of blending these two things, I just also think there is room for improvement. Yet I am aware that with being the first to do something new, it is likely not everything is going to be perfect. However I still wanted share my thoughts.
This paragraph I want to speak directly Basilicata. I am aware the constructive criticism I have would probably require you to redesign part of the game engine or mechanics from the game's start. Given how far you are in development and how much you have already done, I understand this would likely be consider as unreasonable suggestions. So I will both understand and respect if you choose not to implement anything I am about to say here for this game. Yet I still want to share my constructive criticism so maybe they could consider it in a future game. Or the off chance another game developer sees this comment and maybe they will keep in their minds.
My criticism is with the board game aspect. It is the part of the game we have the most interactions with, which makes sense given the game's title. However the board game part to me seems lacking in choices and too dependent on luck. You roll a die, move to the random the number the die rolled, and then your only choice is whether or not you use the spot you landed on. This limits your options and prevents you from trying to strategize. If were wanting to specialize and focuses on a skill, like dexterity or stamina, you can't. You can't make choices trying to focusing on anyone one skill, you are limited to the random number of the single die. I have some suggestions of how this issues could be addressed.
I want to make something clear first. The following suggestions are base on my experience playing physical board games. I have zero idea how hard or easy anything I am about to suggest would be to program for a computer game.
Add more dice: Instead of just one die, roll three dice. And then the player can pick which dice number the want to use. You still keep a random factor of luck, but also would give the player a bit more freedom of choice in what to do with the dice roll.
Add cards: Keep the single die system, but add a deck of movement cards to go with it. They draw four or five cards at the start of the round, and that is all the cards they have for the round. (Unless you wanted to add events were they could gain cards.) The cards add or subtract movement from the die roll. (Or just add if you do not want to deal with subtraction.) The cards randomly drawn have different numbers how many movements they add or subtract. Player rolls the die, and have the choice of do they want to keep the die roll as is, or play one of their cards to change how far they move. Personally I think it might be best if the cards only range from adding or subtracting 1-3, but feel free to disagree with me on that. You still have the random luck factor of the die, added with the random factor of the cards drawn, but the player then has the choice of when to use the cards they were given, and also which card to use. A choice they can ponder with each die roll until they run out of cards.
Replace die with cards: Draw a hand cards with different movement amounts instead of rolling a die. There are a few options how you can do this.
1. They have to use up the current hand cards before they can draw new cards. If the player is smart they will look at their cards and make a plan of what order they play them to land on the spaces they want. Mix strategy with luck as the cards are still random.
2. They draw new hand each turn and pick which card they play. You still have a random luck factor, but again just like with my add more dice suggestion the player has more freedom of choice in the mater.
Beyond that parts of the story aspects I have seen thus far is intriguing. Does make me curious how different stories might end. That criticism I have that is not exactly game board related is the skipping the tutorial, mainly I just wanted a option to skip the tutorial without being a jerk to Mercedes. When I restarted and skip the tutorial I kind of felt playing the tutorial was the only way to be less mean and less of a jerk to Mercedes. There was no point to be that mean just because I did not want to play the tutorial again.
I wish you the best of luck in finishing your game.
I absolutely value constructive feedback more than I value financial support. Thank you for taking the time to share your ideas. To be honest at this point it would be unrealistic to promise that I can even start to make these changes but as you wrote,maybe for a future project they would sure come in under consideration. Thank you again.
Why i cannot repley sex scene in gallery ????????? That just worst man. You have masterpiece art but when i click gallery i cannot reply the scene that i wanted.
This is in my TO DO list. Tbh I don't know how to do it and I can't afford the time to learn right now. But since you are not the first to ask, by the end of the game I'll have it implemented. TY
Hey thank you for noticing but tell you what if you manage to do it people will buy it this game even though it is expensive. And one more thing i think after you finished this game how about you put in steam ?. This kind of quality people will buy it and you know what i can smell already the overwhelming positive review. When that happen you will make a lot of fund for your next project. I see your success already in future. Just dont ever you fucking give up you have one more fans are support you.
Some of these are easier to implement then others and you may end up not being able to do some of them because of the game engine you are using but there isn't a single one that won't enhance the game experience and they require a lot more animation and game overhaul but I promise you the end result will be worth it in the end.
The gameboard MUST be overhauled from the ground up. It is the thing players will see for 95% of the length of the game. Your artwork quality is absolutely spectacular it must extend to the gameboard it just has to.
Add Icons to the spaces themselves change the hue of the pink and orangish red spaces I absolutely get the retro feel of 8 or 16 bit colors only being available but you are using way more than that many hues in your artwork so there is no reason to be a stickler for that on the gameboard. Overhauling the look and feel of that board should be the very first visual related thing you do. No one will get to round 22 without doing so most won't even get to round 10.
The gameboard itself must evolve over time
You need to add 10x more tongue in cheek nostalgia references it could be quite a bit more than that.
The player must interact with the board in some way You MUST have penalty's on the board significant ones. You have a handful in your wild cards but there needs to be some seriously steep ones.
Because this is a visual novel you don't need a game over. You can have very severe consequential narrative shifts in the story (that are temporary until back in the black) FOR losing all of your money. As Mary Jane is the main character and you play from her perspective on the game board itself depending on that pure or perv character trait (for either Mary Jane and/or the player character the consequences should be reflecting. A more pervy Mary Jane would try to turn tricks with or without telling you in order to make the money back (you don't HAVE to animate EVERYTHING I see firsthand just how long those animations take you. How long did that Mercedes animation in Round 22 take? two weeks a month? It is so damn good. Those kind of animations should be reserved for extraordinary checkpoints in the game but you have to get to them quicker. A more pure Mary Jane would sell her own possessions because she doesn't want to trouble you come to you crying and apologizing and you would console her. Its that straightforward. Two specific "negative ends" that can absolutely go back to the
The pure/perv narrative I genuinely think is the most important improvement you can make and I have absolutely no idea how you can implement it I have plenty of experience playing individual games but none making them. I don't know how this can possibly be done on ren'py I really don't. And since this is your 2nd game and you mention Game Development isn't your main job and you are taking considerable time to getting better at coding (hence the main reason you decided to add gameplay elements to your next visual novel to get more experience with it directly) if you feel that kind of Gameplay mechanic is going to be too difficult to implement then I strongly recommend seeking outside help. Be it from more experienced developers in the gaming community or straight up having another developer handle that specific part for you. The only way I can think of to make it work Is to prompt the player with a big ass warning right in the middle of the screen once the reach a certain amount of perv or innocence (again whatever the hell you want to call it that this will permanently effect the story path for the duration of your current playthrough. Then you have an initial story (maybe to round 10 which should equate to about an hour to an hour and a half of gameplay at the absolute most that) you can then shift to either Story A or Story B without ever having to worry about a random line of pervy dialogue sneaking its way into overlapping into the pure or innocence route. This is the only way I think it can be done without it drastically increasing the development time and bug checking needed to implement. A permanent change that the player knows is going to happen at which point the board itself changes to be more pervy or more innocent. (Still sex (which means you need a ton of gentle sex animations too) but more of falling in love with her trying to protect her while redeeming your name in the industry kind of thing.
While your perv plot is already pretty great as it is. Round 22 and Round 23 make a very specific revelation that I kind of already saw coming but you finally spell out for the player and the dialogue choices you use to do so are top tier scriptwriting lvl so again well done there! But I won't mention it because I don't want to spoil the surprise for the player.
The player being a shadow works perfect for the darker pervier route but you should choose a different hue for the more romantic purity route. I don't know what that hue is research how different colors evoke different emotions but whether justified or not a "Black Shadow" (which shouldn't be a race thing under any circumstances but unfortunately is often attributed as such) is the absolute perfect (form) of the "grooming" route. "Mysterious/Dangerous/Anonymous/Sinister. But I have absolutely no idea what the protagonist should look like for a less "sinister" vibe as making the avatar "whiter or lighter in hue which is usually whether fairly or not attributed to more of the "good guy" The whole western bad guy wears the black hat and the good guy wears the white hat trope.
90s references Make more. When you think you have enough add more. and More and more. This tongue in cheek little jokes will add some levity to the absolutely heartbreaking story I sense you have crafted here. Its 4th wall stuff so it shouldn't take away from the story IF it takes place in rounds where "nothing happens or is unlocked" if you have great 90's references every few rounds and/or reference them through the game board chance cards themselves players WILL stick around for a round or two that isn't "lewd" and they will do it OVER and OVER again as long as you keep the hits coming.
So the starcraft II screen as cute as it is with the text "I love playing videogames it is the only thing I can do while being forced to stay here" or whatever it says. doesn't suffice. You need to directly "but probably through parody 4th wallish form make as many references as you possibly can.
So far in 4 hours of gameplay I have seen about 15 or 20. The types of clothes people wear. Downloading a porn picture. Starcraft/ Halflife/ Ultima? VHS/ Pager/ CRT TV/ Old as dirt Computer YTK and....that is about it. This is actually of everything I complained about before my own secret beef with your game. The whole reason I checked out your game was to expect cheesy 90's references alongside the porn. That is the entire reason I clicked download. And there is no way I am the only one.
I am going to time myself right now and type out as many references for you as I can 3 minutes for evil grooming route and then 3 minutes for saving the girl while redeeming yourself route. You could probably add (some of these or a good half of these as internal dialogue and some of them should involve the other characters as well. You will know the ones I am talking about as you see them. But with the barrage of suggestions I am about to give you even if you used every single one of them It still won't account for even 10% of the references you need. My honest opinion would be to set aside a week to do nothing but research 90's pop culture. Draw your own experiences look at major news events which tv shows were popular events that happened etc. If it is in the 90's you need to TRANSPORT ME THERE. I have to FEEL like I am in 1999 not read it. It's a game therefore the actual experience has to feel lived. This comes from experience.
I am actually a writer myself and a comedian but my work ethic is trash unfortunately. It is always so much easier to give advice and criticism to others then to finish your own work right? I am bad at about 99% of things in this world but writing and comedy are not one of them. Making people laugh cry and express rage through writing is as easy as breathing to me. If I give you advice on writing or comedy I STRONGLY suggest you take it. I don't have the credibility because I haven't finished a single damn project But I have more unfinished projects in journals harddrives and audio files then I would ever feel comfortable admitting. I am entirely aware it comes off as egotistical and arrogant and I will own that entirely its the one thing in the world I am good at and I will scream it from the top of a mountain with an intercom. I have thought of being a motivational speaker but I don't have any finished works so it is pretty contradictory. Anyway here are your 90's references.
I am only guessing based off of how long it took to get to the point it did in game (which you really really really need to decrease significantly. (just show more dialogue in between rounds and lower the round count) I think you expect your game to be a visual novel that takes about 15-20 hours to complete everything. You probably didn't start off with a number that high but as your story expanded more and more it got there. You need a 90's reference whether serious, sarcastic, humorous or 4th wall breaking like every 5 to 10 minutes worth of gameplay. They don't all have to be from the player perspective but they need to be happening constantly through the whole game. The most important rule of comedy is that a laugh a minute isn't nearly enough. laugh a minute applies to MOVIES. Comedies are the most harshly judged films and yet they are the hardest to write and act in. Anyways enough rambling (90% of my comedy material is just making fun of my many many random thoughts and idiosyncracies) on to the actual suggestions I said I would give you 5 paragraphs ago.
bop it joke
watching fuzzy porn on tv
rule 34
leisure suit larry (once praising it/ once making fun of how easy the age question is to circumvent/ once making fun of how terrible it looks or how tedious it is (poking fun at the state of the games in the adult industry in the 90s. Also known as the 5 games that had ever released.
jacking off to a porn magazine secretly while mary jane or another character knocks on the door you drop the magazine in the toilet in surprise and it starts overflowing
you've got mail
phone calls to america online begging them to give you a few more hours to have internet/ and or stealing america online trail discs from neighbors
at least 20 videogame references at least 10 movie references and at least 10 tv show references a handful of newspaper articles.
pure (gonna save the girl and win her heart route)
sleepless in seattle
friends
titanic
sonic
mario
(evil grooming her to do your bidding route)
Nighttrap sega cd game
silence of the lambs
mortal Kombat
Deliverance
Misery
(Sexual joke about the Shining sisters "come play with us")
tetris
(themes of manipulation basically)
PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT
I PERSONALLY would also throw in a ton of political jokes but that WILL divide your audience BUT I also see from your other game that you go out of your way to make it inclusive which leads me to believe you slant a certain way anyway. And to put it in plain english
Your game is text heavy and is a slow burn for the porn
That other audience you lose is not going to be interested in investing the time to get to the meat of the story.
Make fun of the art of the deal
buy random nonsense off of QVC
Make fun of the hypocrisy of the church
reference the church calling D&D/Pokemon/Mortal Kombat (satanic and evil)
(pure route)
be trolled in one of the game references
(evil route) troll someone in one of the game references
(random stuff Mary Jane can come across)
Slap Bracelets
Bedazzling
Tupperware Parties (could be a cover for escort service?)
Pogs
Hairspray
(Oh right you gotta reference the hell out of MTV too)
I would also put a direct reference to Heavy Metal and "Take on Me" in there since you are clearly inspired by both in your artwork unknowingly or otherwise.
There that is like 30 something references. You still need a few hundred more.
I know you can do it because as a writer myself your narrative is spectacular! I want as many people as possible to be able to read your story that just keeps getting better and better and they won't if they abandon it do to lack of feeling invested in it.
Man! You need to do this! Reviewing games and giving valuable feedback! I mean, I know you said that you did it for a while but I feel so extremely lucky to have your detailed suggestions like this. I wish I had this review 5-6 months ago...
Now, as you might know, I already feel the pressure of delivery of a new update... But now I'm thinking that maybe I should sacrifice a month to work on your suggestions. I think it might worth the wait...
Anyway... thank you again. I'll try to keep in touch asap.
Ok wow enough criticism time for some compliments.
It was your respect and willingness to listen to my suggestions that was the SOLE determining factor in this happening but ya. I gave your game another chance. You had casually but not forcibly mentioned the only thing you didn't agree with was that things didn't happen in the game or something to that effect and that the actual gameplay itself is up to Round 33 so far.
Had I gone a single round further I wouldn't have been anywhere near as much criticism for you.
Your story is so damn good! From round 22 onwards you pack more story and information between each individual round so the feedback I gave was clearly something you had already taken into account long before I gave it :) You just added it to the story as you went along since it is a visual novel after all.
I was trying to figure out when I was playing your game initially what your art style reminded me of and in Round 22 with that absolutely superb animation (as well as the very specific narrative that runs along side said animation I finally figured it out.
The animation (movement) itself is reminiscent of one of my all time favorite series Home Movies (but without the squiggles so I guess from 2nd season on when it wasn't as severe?)
The feel of the animation/artwork is a a color instead of B/W quality is kind of mix of A-ha's Take on Me music video and the artwork is straight out of Heavy Metal from 1981 I think it was called? It is so damn good I really can't praise it enough! And before I even mentioned the other game you had played (what the hell does the name stand for by the way it is so random) I had already taken note of the fact that the artwork in that wasn't as good (though not terrible either) as it is in this game. Which is why I played this one before that one even though that one was finished.
So essentially what you are saying is this is only your 2nd game you have made? But the animation quality is like 5 years worth of experience about the first one. You are definitely going places just keep up the good work it is such a unique art style and your narrative really is great which is why I am 100% confident that you can implement the suggestions I mentioned that I know with 150% certainly will greatly increase your chances of people sticking around for the great story they just have to get to it!
Going to make a separate comment with cliff notes list of the suggestions but not in any priority order. It is going to require a lot more work but it will turn your game from below average with a great story into a genuinely good interactive novel with gameplay elements. I know from years of experience that it WILL greatly improve the quality of the title the most important thing is they get to your amazing narrative That will make or break the entire narrative.
Oh and I will play the game to round 33 if that is how far it is along once it's only fair to you for me to do so after that barrage of "suggestions" and I will check out your other visual novel as the story you are telling here seems to have potential.
Thanks. Goss_IP was my first VN and I was still learning the ropes. But if you don't mind some crude art and little to none animation, you ll enjoy a great story.
Before I forget (as I won't be playing the game for awhile to let it develop further)
The biggest issue is the monotony. if you are truly using a tabletop mechanic you CANNOT under ANY circumstanes use the same two lines of text for encounters you will hit over and over and over again. I would suspect every box on that board will be hit several hundred if not several thousand times. Excluding the "round trip roundup and first introduction" its the same exact dialogue EVERY time. You can put a bandaid on this SOMEWHAT by randomizing maybe 5 to 10 different possible interactions (and I don't even know how that can be done with this type of game design) The best you could hope for is each of the job icons having different dialog at this point.
It feels like you are taking a game engine designed for a visual novel and stretching it for the gimmick of a board game. But since the game design is visual novel and not tabletop mechanic the randomization can only go so far. You are still beholden to recycling specific stills and specific dialogue boxes in a specific sequence. The only random thing is the spot you land on. The dialogue and the way it lvls is the same. It is way too generic. I don't really know what advice I give that you should take because some of it contradicts but unless you can seriously overhaul the tabletop aspect and put in A LOT more "text windows" give clear indicators of "progress to next lvl etc.....then I fear for this game.
Not quite true. There are 3 different music scores for the tabletop part and 2 different stills so far for the bistro work. But I guess I have to put much more. Thanks again.
Round 20 Dex 16 Stam 20 Drama 8 Perv 6 About 410 gold.
I really like your illustrations and I get where you are coming from with the plot you are telling but and this is NOT directed just at you but at every unfinished game I play that doesn't do this.
You need to have some kind of in game indicators or warnings that "this content is not yet available" or "coming soon"
I refuse to believe you would expect a player to have stats that high and still not have ranked up in job. That I would have received the 200 gold for a photo portfolio and 6 rounds later still hadn't taken it. Things happen way to slow. There is a lot of monotony here. There is a really great idea of a game here and you state here that it is unfinished but it is better to give some kind of indicator of WHAT is and isn't finished. Its clear you have tutorials and data cards for content that you don't yet have in the game.
Again I get that it is unfinished but it is frustrating to me the player to not know WHAT IS AND ISNT playable. I can tell there is a lot of "empty space" in certain areas. But you are working on the game it isn't finished.
Yet giving no indicator to the player ingame whatsoever that x feature is not yet complete just leaves them grasping at straws and reduces your credibility. It shouldn't. But it does. Pacing is really important in a story I thought it was about the tabletop game when I first started it but now it seems like a good unfinished visual novel using tabletop mechanics to drip out the story. Without some serious overhauls to the tabletop aspect itself. I am guessing the sex shop and party icons aren't going to activate anytime soon. This is just to monotonous. You have what I assume is a good story about helping or corrupting a young girl on the run to hollywood but the tabletop aspect just fragments it out and chops it in to pieces.
I really like your artwork and I really like your characters as it stands I do not like your game. It seems like it is trying too hard to be two things while not finishing either one. But again it is unfinished. I will give it another try when it is much further along in development. If the game is dependant on the tabletop mechanics though then they have to be far less generic than they are currently.
Wow. This is what I call a constructive feedback. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to give me that.
Now, I agree almost to everything you said especially about the monotony of the tabletop part of the game. And I say almost because from what I ve read you have yet to play until the end so far (round 33). Please do. You ll see that there are sex scenes, the sex shop and the party is open, the stats have meaning, the portfolio is about to be done, MJ starts a side career as a dancer etc.
Anyway, although most of the tabletop games are monotonous, I have received various complaints and I feel I need to do something about it. The fact is that I already tried to make it more compact. Shrink the 33 rounds available so far to 23. But I can't say I m happy with the result. The pace was too fast. But I ll try to correct it... Maybe, instead of 23 I ll make it 28...
What's finished and what's not... Here you lost me... Everything is finished up to round 33 so far.
Anyway thank you again. I know my game isn't perfect, that's why it's free after all.
I appreciate that you appreciate it. I used to review games professionally and am pretty obsessed with them. I have alpha and beta tested more than a few over the years and back in the way way way back time machine infancy of Newgrounds I reviewed the hell out of some flash games....Then I forgot my password and ended up going back later on and had to start over. it kind of fell by the wayside. What it comes down to is I am a creative myself but my attention span for my own creations is that of a gnat. I am far better at giving people advice, feedback, positive and negative criticism alike than I am at finishing my own stuff. I have something "in progress yet stalled" for every facet of the entertainment industry...all of them TT It is always easier to tell people what they are doing right or wrong than to focus on my own issues right?
I may tear you a new one but I will be honest about it and if I like something I will praise it as well.
I am VERY new to the itch.io space...even though I created a profile a few years ago and forgot aobut it? (kind of the story of my life) but I see this as a much more high stakes indie community. In a "niche" adult game market where now that I am 35 instead of 13 I don't have to hide the nudie games anymore.
I understand you not agreeing with that last point but that gameplay clock was nearing several hours (before I just started pressing "next" as soon as it popped up. I have noticed the barista scenes are different and I guess I wasn't aware of the music changing. But me ending at 20 was deliberate. It seemed like a good stopgap measure of the absolute bare minimum (major gameplay/story/change increase elements etc.)
If you had some variation in the responses if the same exact line of "here we go again" didn't play every single round...There is just so much repetition. And I get that may be the case in boardgames but even those "spice themselves up" knowing that the true advantage of a board game is interacting with your friends.
If I were to compare your game to monopoly for CD ROM in the early 90s it would NOT hold up well. At least that had like different train whistle sounds for the railroads.... because you responded favorably to my criticism I will throw a little more detail your way. I still don't plan on playing it until it is further along again but at least can give you a blueprint of sorts of what you want to achieve. This is necessary and it is ONLY necessary because of the monotony.
FIRST AND FOREMOST
The game is not finished I know it isn't and you know it isn't the people who download it on the page know it but IN GAME you don't mention it enough. I hate to say it but people aren't as smart as you want them to be in a videogame. You have two camps. One want their hand held for everything. The other wants no hand holding whatsoever. Your goal is to find the middle. You have to give indication within the tutorial itself as well as the game progresses that x feature is still in development. You just have to. Even when you explicitly tell someone THIS GAME IS NOT FINISHED they are going to scream at you BUT HOW COME I HAVE A BUG OF IT NOT WORKING WHEN I LAND ON X SPOT?
A simple (this feature is not available with your current progress) or (this feature is still in development thank you for your support) depending on which it is. will go a REALLY long way to dispelling confusion. You give a tutorial for the whole game board but each round (at first) adds a new "space type" but then it doesn't...and it doesn't...and it doesn't... by the time you hit I think round 7 or so almost all the space are unlocked and then....nothing else unlocks....Round 20 from something like round. 9 to round 20 no other space unlocked. I may not have the correct rounds and it may be more criteria based but if the text in your game has one character explicitly say to another character give me money so she can get those photoshoots. and then 5 6 7 8 rounds later that still hasn't "materialized" into anything that is a problem.
The biggest issue you have is trying to marry the visual novel with the tabletop gameplay. I expected the story to be far more "interactive" BECAUSE of the tabletop element. Its not about it doesn't have enough sex scenes or they don't happen at the right time or anything like that. Speaking purely from a gameplay perspective the pacing is wrong. I feel like you have allowed of experience as a writer of narrative stories and this is a way to dip your toe in the water at adding a little bit more interactivity into your story giving some player input having consequences etc.
Then you have to worry about if the game is too hard or too easy and yes the sex is obviously important I mean it is called tabletop pornstar but I mean just basic stuff.
You have cute little handdrawn cards to the left of the spaces she lands on but especially with the career one there is no information given whatsoever of what you need to accomplish or how quickly to get to that next point.
"I pay my rent and bills" but it doesn't explicitly tell you anywhere "what that amount is" There is a scene where she spends money and your character gets understandably pissed off about it. but my money doesn't change. So that penalty doesn't even exist. These are two entirely different types of games you are making here and to make them as one ESPECIALLY since the story is the meat of your game and the tabletop is the gimmick for interactivity it CANNOT be boring. It just can't be.
Real Talk? At the BARE MINIMUM
progress updates (far more detailed than the ones current every 5 rounds) Hinting but not explicitly telling a player EXACTLY what they need to do to unlock x function. I love the narrative you have here that you either grooming or saving a girl from the ills of tinsel town. I see in the description for the game that will have genuine consequences later on but it doesn't happen quick enough. I could con my way to the pants of the women way too easily. There is no real world interactivity between the gameplay and the story. Its just checkpoints you hit after unlocking specific unspecified numbers.
My guess is you are trying to balance the pro/con of how linear or nonlinear you want the game to be but the unfortunate reality is that the second you decided to make it tabletop themed it became non linear. You probably have a really great story you want this game to tell and the tabletop aspect is a creative way of involving the player but the game itself is too generic right now. You pretty much to have either overhaul the hell out of the gameplay aspect and/or double the size of the story. When you decided to make this a tabletop interactive visual novel it stopped being a visual novel.
And honestly I have no idea how the hell you can fix this that is the fear. I worry that the game is built with an engine specifically for visual novels with very little mechanics outside of that aside from telling the story. Which means every "random" or "other" plot thread means going through your thousands of dialogue option threads and adding a second choice but how do you randomize it? isn't it just a different character talking? a different result? Then you run the very real risk that random dialogue for the completely different storyline will get mixed in with or overlap the other "triggers" for landing on specific spaces getting specific hidden stat bonuses etc.
Example if your plot is really groom or save you REALLY need to drive that point home. I would add a mechanic to assist or hinder mary jane from the player perspective. maybe even a skill tree for it. I had the hidden stat that she is obedient so all 6 rolls become 1 and that was a nice little secret but it should be a randomized gameplay aspect based off of a player decision not something that just happens at a specific point. And again I don't know how easy that is to do. Example being like betrayal and trust mechanics. Right now you have a Perv stat but you don't have an innocence stat. My guess would be that number being lower makes that check happen but since it is a GAME you want to give that option.
I can tell your hands are tied already with quite a few things because of the game engine chosen so instead of worrying about the things you can't change change the ones you can. Go over every line of dialogue and make them unique witty and creative. And (again I don't know how you do this in a visual novel engine) have alternates. I would love to tell you 2 or 3 but its probably closer to 10. It is a text based visual novel with gameplay ELEMENTS.
But things happen way way way too quickly. Speed it up to fast and players won't feel invested. Don't speed it up enough and they will straight up abandon the game entirely. I am actually a pretty patient guy. The amount of time it takes to get the ball rolling by round 20 after several hours of "gameplay" is just way too long. I only played that long knowing the game was unfinished wanting to give the benefit of the doubt give it a little more time to flush out the story etc. But when I "fight" 7 times and at some point in those 7 times I got a visual novel scene (my guess would be 5 as I think I got 3 in one turn) that was an "activation" but on a gameboard about being a pornstar heavily monopoly esque but dumbed down (which is good in this scenario the game needs to be worth playing but it is a companion to your story. The last thing you want to do is sideline the story itself but for people to read your story they have to be able to bear the game.
You don't have enough penaltys. I'm not but a surprising amount of people are. Your board needs to get some life to it. You have generic colored squares. People are colorblind and accessibilty options are defacto for the majority of developers now. They claimed in the past (true or otherwise) that it was a matter of the technology not being available for it. But despite that they all do now. I know quite a few games that actually aren't that great that get praise and far more plays and attention then they normally would JUST FROM the simple addition of disability options. Before that is language of course but excluding menu overlays no one expects every game to be fully translated into 10 different languages ESPECIALLY a visual novel but really anything text heavy. They want it sure but it isn't realistic in the slightest.
Your artwork for the story is great but your gameboard looks like it was drawn in MS Paint. Give the same attention to detail for the gameboard and the piece (which should change as she changes careers should reflect that same level of quality. Every little attention to detail matters (but an artist already knows that right? How often do you erase and redraw a strand of hair that doesn't fall the way you want it to?)
I don't know if 0.2 for you means 20% but I don't think you are there. I think you have a good script worked out on your pc or mac with a lot of the illustrations to accompany it done and quite a few more to go and a an absolutely bare bones pre pre pre pre alpha demo of a tabletop idea to present to a company. If this is called tabletop pornstar it needs some insane overhaul. I don't think this was your intent but because you have now staked the entirety of your novel on that gimmick (not meant as an insult it is just the method of delivery you used to tell the story) you know have to put a much larger emphasis on the tabletop aspect of it. And here is the real problem. The vast majority of tabletop games that are singleplayer only fail. It is physically impossible for you to make your game a multiplayer game because of how heavily it focuses on what is looking to be a great narrative. A company only makes a digital tabletop game a singleplayer experience if they have that existing in the world as an established game. You can play with AI or online with friends....you can't do that in this game and being able to would be like setting your script for the game on fire. That is NOT what you want to do. So it puts you between a rock in a hard place. You want to tell a great story accompanied by your uniquely handdrawn retro vibe illustrations but focusing to much on the tabletop aspect will do just that but not focusing enough means people won't even read past chapter 2 of your 30-50 chapter book.
My guess is that you had been prioritizing the tabletop aspect as maybe about 10-15% of the game. The gameboard itself is a creative medium to tell your story the handdawn animations of Mary Jane at the Barista look absolutely amazing the first time I see them and they still look great the 5 time and the tenth time but by about the 20th time (which is NOTHING in the pace of your game so far) It starts to be a little....ya I know ok give me my 12 dollars so I can move on.)
By the end of my gameplay Or maybe even halfway in Mary Jane started to sound a lot less like a scared beautiful doe eyed runaway and more like Deadpool.
"Here we go again...."
Yes Mary Jane...here we go...again....and again.... which 30 seconds of dialogue will I unlock this time before pressing next on somewhere between 6 to 15 "turns"around the bend?
I know I am being harsh but I am genuinely trying to be as detailed as possible and typing quickly this has taken about an hour to type so far and still not done. Just think of it as a free one man focus group who actually knows what he is talking about.
The gameboard and pieces should evolve alongside the story. Not just narratively but mechanically. I love absolutely love the homemade touch you give your instruction and description cards for the game aspect itself. It feels like you are playing a game your friend made and he scribbled out the instructions for the game as he builds it. And it is also kind of meta because that is exactly what we the players are doing. Playing your game as you build it. I don't love the vague content ON the card....-
Barista, Dancer, Actress, Fighter, Pornstar
Ok...but is this an evolution of HOW my career progresses? Or a description OF some of the jobs available. When do I unlock these jobs? How many properties do I own before I can build houses in otherwords. Then it says $$$ (ok how much?) at least it is honest (varies)
You could get away with SOME of the stuff by changing up the dialog a little bit to make fun of the game itself and in a 4th wall directly referencing what you can't change. Draw a scene of Mary Jane complaining to you the player that she never knows how much money she is going to make or have her bitch at still being a waitress and quit her job midshift for the next thing.
But purity/slut is definitely the way to go. The jobs and interactions should change accordingly. The slut path should be high risk high reward the pure path should be like the tortoise and the hare more steady gradual calculated movements. And again skillsets that directly effect the game itself. The player needs to be able to interact with the board. You gave her a pager which from a story standpoint make sense and is great 90's reference material. The 90's reference stuff is great but you need a HELL OF A LOT MORE of it. You don't have a short book here and you need people to stick around. Your game doesn't have to be groundbreaking but when there are 50 other games just like it that do most of it better you have to focus on what makes your game stand out Setting it in the 90s the theme of the game itself your illustrations the easter egg references playing on the childhood nostalgia of the player. Your main story should still be present obviously but you need a lot of "interactive tongue in cheek reference padding to appease some of the monotony.
But of all of the salt I have poured in your wounds here is the really big one. Everything I said is good advice that may or may not be worth your time to implement may or not be feasible for you to even implement but it won't make your game succeed in the slightest it just makes it a better game.
But you decided to make a porn game....so ya.....your audience is going to want a lot of it...often like REALLY often like 50 times more than you are giving them so far. It doesn't all HAVE to be illustrated but your character should be getting hot and heavy or being hit on hot and heavy just just narratively not just visually but like the game pieces themselves the tone of the text itself has to get more raunchy a lot quicker. Personally I am perfectly fine with your story as it is it is a nice change of pace from the usual throwing the tits in the face 5 seconds into the game but most people are not that patient. ESPECIALLY for the porn games.
Almost every suggestion I have given you even though they are sound reasonable suggestions don't matter anywhere near as much as a lot more sex a lot more often steamy dialogue lewd pictures random encounters people paging her for sex. It completely destroys the heart of your game but it just takes so long for things to happen. Just with more sex your game will succeed better. Your illustrations are great they really are but it could change the overall theme of the story you were trying to tell and very likely risk people not finishing the story at all. Playing it halfway through and sending you messages asking where the F the gallery is! send nudes etc.
You need to have a much more interactive much seedier much more prevalent underbully that involves Mary Jane and those around her much much quicker. I mean you have a tile that says SEX SHOP and two hours into the game it still isn't unlocked?
I am genuinely worried on whether this game can succeed. I know you want it to and I have every belief that you will do everything you can do to make it do so but I don't know what you can and cannot change game engine wise and so many suggestions contradict eachother and all of them add quite a bit more work. The easiest way out is just to add a hell of a lot more porn and 90s references but I did see the cracks of a really good story being told here and I worry that those easy changes would actually change the narrative tone you were going for. Maybe not who knows.
O never mind that. That was a good burn. Like the one tequila or whiskey leaves on my throat. Cheers. I ll see what I can do. You are right once again.
Thank you. I'm glad you like it. The game is still in development and will be released as I go. Version 0.2 will be ready more or less in a month. Believe or not I'm working full speed but 2d graphics take time (4-8hours each) , animations too. But I love this game too and I d love more see it finished.
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How do you gain fame ?
By doing important gigs and achievements: First time dancing solo in the Club, after knocking down Madison, after the theatrical Play, the Fashion Days Event etc. It goes down if MJ becomes a regular stripper.
I have some constructive criticism. But I first want to acknowledge that Basilicata is doing something innovative combining visual novel and board game mechanics. That is a new idea, I have currently not seen anyone else attempt this. I do like the concept of blending these two things, I just also think there is room for improvement. Yet I am aware that with being the first to do something new, it is likely not everything is going to be perfect. However I still wanted share my thoughts.
This paragraph I want to speak directly Basilicata. I am aware the constructive criticism I have would probably require you to redesign part of the game engine or mechanics from the game's start. Given how far you are in development and how much you have already done, I understand this would likely be consider as unreasonable suggestions. So I will both understand and respect if you choose not to implement anything I am about to say here for this game. Yet I still want to share my constructive criticism so maybe they could consider it in a future game. Or the off chance another game developer sees this comment and maybe they will keep in their minds.
My criticism is with the board game aspect. It is the part of the game we have the most interactions with, which makes sense given the game's title. However the board game part to me seems lacking in choices and too dependent on luck. You roll a die, move to the random the number the die rolled, and then your only choice is whether or not you use the spot you landed on. This limits your options and prevents you from trying to strategize. If were wanting to specialize and focuses on a skill, like dexterity or stamina, you can't. You can't make choices trying to focusing on anyone one skill, you are limited to the random number of the single die. I have some suggestions of how this issues could be addressed.
I want to make something clear first. The following suggestions are base on my experience playing physical board games. I have zero idea how hard or easy anything I am about to suggest would be to program for a computer game.
Add more dice: Instead of just one die, roll three dice. And then the player can pick which dice number the want to use. You still keep a random factor of luck, but also would give the player a bit more freedom of choice in what to do with the dice roll.
Add cards: Keep the single die system, but add a deck of movement cards to go with it. They draw four or five cards at the start of the round, and that is all the cards they have for the round. (Unless you wanted to add events were they could gain cards.) The cards add or subtract movement from the die roll. (Or just add if you do not want to deal with subtraction.) The cards randomly drawn have different numbers how many movements they add or subtract. Player rolls the die, and have the choice of do they want to keep the die roll as is, or play one of their cards to change how far they move. Personally I think it might be best if the cards only range from adding or subtracting 1-3, but feel free to disagree with me on that. You still have the random luck factor of the die, added with the random factor of the cards drawn, but the player then has the choice of when to use the cards they were given, and also which card to use. A choice they can ponder with each die roll until they run out of cards.
Replace die with cards: Draw a hand cards with different movement amounts instead of rolling a die. There are a few options how you can do this.
1. They have to use up the current hand cards before they can draw new cards. If the player is smart they will look at their cards and make a plan of what order they play them to land on the spaces they want. Mix strategy with luck as the cards are still random.
2. They draw new hand each turn and pick which card they play. You still have a random luck factor, but again just like with my add more dice suggestion the player has more freedom of choice in the mater.
Beyond that parts of the story aspects I have seen thus far is intriguing. Does make me curious how different stories might end. That criticism I have that is not exactly game board related is the skipping the tutorial, mainly I just wanted a option to skip the tutorial without being a jerk to Mercedes. When I restarted and skip the tutorial I kind of felt playing the tutorial was the only way to be less mean and less of a jerk to Mercedes. There was no point to be that mean just because I did not want to play the tutorial again.
I wish you the best of luck in finishing your game.
I absolutely value constructive feedback more than I value financial support. Thank you for taking the time to share your ideas. To be honest at this point it would be unrealistic to promise that I can even start to make these changes but as you wrote,maybe for a future project they would sure come in under consideration. Thank you again.
The 0.7 link takes me to downloads for 0.6.
Thank you. I was working on uploading 0.7 but now it should work.
Why i cannot repley sex scene in gallery ????????? That just worst man. You have masterpiece art but when i click gallery i cannot reply the scene that i wanted.
This is in my TO DO list. Tbh I don't know how to do it and I can't afford the time to learn right now. But since you are not the first to ask, by the end of the game I'll have it implemented. TY
Hey thank you for noticing but tell you what if you manage to do it people will buy it this game even though it is expensive. And one more thing i think after you finished this game how about you put in steam ?. This kind of quality people will buy it and you know what i can smell already the overwhelming positive review. When that happen you will make a lot of fund for your next project. I see your success already in future. Just dont ever you fucking give up you have one more fans are support you.
v0.6 is no longer available on MEGA. Can you please check and re-upload? v.0.57 can be downloaded.
Yeah, I was in the middle of updating the links. Should be working now but by evening, I'm about to upload 0.65 too.
any femdom in this game and character name, please?
female on male domination
No, sorry. The femdom here is lesdom actually. Only Female on Female.
Thank you for making such a great and sexy game!
Thank you!
Here we go....
Some of these are easier to implement then others and you may end up not being able to do some of them because of the game engine you are using but there isn't a single one that won't enhance the game experience and they require a lot more animation and game overhaul but I promise you the end result will be worth it in the end.
The gameboard MUST be overhauled from the ground up. It is the thing players will see for 95% of the length of the game. Your artwork quality is absolutely spectacular it must extend to the gameboard it just has to.
Add Icons to the spaces themselves change the hue of the pink and orangish red spaces I absolutely get the retro feel of 8 or 16 bit colors only being available but you are using way more than that many hues in your artwork so there is no reason to be a stickler for that on the gameboard. Overhauling the look and feel of that board should be the very first visual related thing you do. No one will get to round 22 without doing so most won't even get to round 10.
The gameboard itself must evolve over time
You need to add 10x more tongue in cheek nostalgia references it could be quite a bit more than that.
The player must interact with the board in some way
You MUST have penalty's on the board significant ones. You have a handful in your wild cards but there needs to be some seriously steep ones.
Because this is a visual novel you don't need a game over. You can have very severe consequential narrative shifts in the story (that are temporary until back in the black) FOR losing all of your money. As Mary Jane is the main character and you play from her perspective on the game board itself depending on that pure or perv character trait (for either Mary Jane and/or the player character the consequences should be reflecting. A more pervy Mary Jane would try to turn tricks with or without telling you in order to make the money back (you don't HAVE to animate EVERYTHING I see firsthand just how long those animations take you. How long did that Mercedes animation in Round 22 take? two weeks a month? It is so damn good. Those kind of animations should be reserved for extraordinary checkpoints in the game but you have to get to them quicker. A more pure Mary Jane would sell her own possessions because she doesn't want to trouble you come to you crying and apologizing and you would console her. Its that straightforward. Two specific "negative ends" that can absolutely go back to the
The pure/perv narrative I genuinely think is the most important improvement you can make and I have absolutely no idea how you can implement it I have plenty of experience playing individual games but none making them. I don't know how this can possibly be done on ren'py I really don't. And since this is your 2nd game and you mention Game Development isn't your main job and you are taking considerable time to getting better at coding (hence the main reason you decided to add gameplay elements to your next visual novel to get more experience with it directly) if you feel that kind of Gameplay mechanic is going to be too difficult to implement then I strongly recommend seeking outside help. Be it from more experienced developers in the gaming community or straight up having another developer handle that specific part for you. The only way I can think of to make it work Is to prompt the player with a big ass warning right in the middle of the screen once the reach a certain amount of perv or innocence (again whatever the hell you want to call it that this will permanently effect the story path for the duration of your current playthrough. Then you have an initial story (maybe to round 10 which should equate to about an hour to an hour and a half of gameplay at the absolute most that) you can then shift to either Story A or Story B without ever having to worry about a random line of pervy dialogue sneaking its way into overlapping into the pure or innocence route. This is the only way I think it can be done without it drastically increasing the development time and bug checking needed to implement. A permanent change that the player knows is going to happen at which point the board itself changes to be more pervy or more innocent. (Still sex (which means you need a ton of gentle sex animations too) but more of falling in love with her trying to protect her while redeeming your name in the industry kind of thing.
While your perv plot is already pretty great as it is. Round 22 and Round 23 make a very specific revelation that I kind of already saw coming but you finally spell out for the player and the dialogue choices you use to do so are top tier scriptwriting lvl so again well done there! But I won't mention it because I don't want to spoil the surprise for the player.
The player being a shadow works perfect for the darker pervier route but you should choose a different hue for the more romantic purity route. I don't know what that hue is research how different colors evoke different emotions but whether justified or not a "Black Shadow" (which shouldn't be a race thing under any circumstances but unfortunately is often attributed as such) is the absolute perfect (form) of the "grooming" route. "Mysterious/Dangerous/Anonymous/Sinister. But I have absolutely no idea what the protagonist should look like for a less "sinister" vibe as making the avatar "whiter or lighter in hue which is usually whether fairly or not attributed to more of the "good guy" The whole western bad guy wears the black hat and the good guy wears the white hat trope.
90s references Make more. When you think you have enough add more. and More and more. This tongue in cheek little jokes will add some levity to the absolutely heartbreaking story I sense you have crafted here. Its 4th wall stuff so it shouldn't take away from the story IF it takes place in rounds where "nothing happens or is unlocked" if you have great 90's references every few rounds and/or reference them through the game board chance cards themselves players WILL stick around for a round or two that isn't "lewd" and they will do it OVER and OVER again as long as you keep the hits coming.
So the starcraft II screen as cute as it is with the text "I love playing videogames it is the only thing I can do while being forced to stay here" or whatever it says. doesn't suffice. You need to directly "but probably through parody 4th wallish form make as many references as you possibly can.
So far in 4 hours of gameplay I have seen about 15 or 20. The types of clothes people wear. Downloading a porn picture. Starcraft/ Halflife/ Ultima? VHS/ Pager/ CRT TV/ Old as dirt Computer YTK and....that is about it. This is actually of everything I complained about before my own secret beef with your game. The whole reason I checked out your game was to expect cheesy 90's references alongside the porn. That is the entire reason I clicked download. And there is no way I am the only one.
I am going to time myself right now and type out as many references for you as I can 3 minutes for evil grooming route and then 3 minutes for saving the girl while redeeming yourself route. You could probably add (some of these or a good half of these as internal dialogue and some of them should involve the other characters as well. You will know the ones I am talking about as you see them. But with the barrage of suggestions I am about to give you even if you used every single one of them It still won't account for even 10% of the references you need. My honest opinion would be to set aside a week to do nothing but research 90's pop culture. Draw your own experiences look at major news events which tv shows were popular events that happened etc. If it is in the 90's you need to TRANSPORT ME THERE. I have to FEEL like I am in 1999 not read it. It's a game therefore the actual experience has to feel lived. This comes from experience.
I am actually a writer myself and a comedian but my work ethic is trash unfortunately. It is always so much easier to give advice and criticism to others then to finish your own work right? I am bad at about 99% of things in this world but writing and comedy are not one of them. Making people laugh cry and express rage through writing is as easy as breathing to me. If I give you advice on writing or comedy I STRONGLY suggest you take it. I don't have the credibility because I haven't finished a single damn project But I have more unfinished projects in journals harddrives and audio files then I would ever feel comfortable admitting. I am entirely aware it comes off as egotistical and arrogant and I will own that entirely its the one thing in the world I am good at and I will scream it from the top of a mountain with an intercom. I have thought of being a motivational speaker but I don't have any finished works so it is pretty contradictory. Anyway here are your 90's references.
I am only guessing based off of how long it took to get to the point it did in game (which you really really really need to decrease significantly. (just show more dialogue in between rounds and lower the round count) I think you expect your game to be a visual novel that takes about 15-20 hours to complete everything. You probably didn't start off with a number that high but as your story expanded more and more it got there. You need a 90's reference whether serious, sarcastic, humorous or 4th wall breaking like every 5 to 10 minutes worth of gameplay. They don't all have to be from the player perspective but they need to be happening constantly through the whole game. The most important rule of comedy is that a laugh a minute isn't nearly enough. laugh a minute applies to MOVIES. Comedies are the most harshly judged films and yet they are the hardest to write and act in. Anyways enough rambling (90% of my comedy material is just making fun of my many many random thoughts and idiosyncracies) on to the actual suggestions I said I would give you 5 paragraphs ago.
bop it joke
watching fuzzy porn on tv
rule 34
leisure suit larry (once praising it/ once making fun of how easy the age question is to circumvent/ once making fun of how terrible it looks or how tedious it is (poking fun at the state of the games in the adult industry in the 90s. Also known as the 5 games that had ever released.
jacking off to a porn magazine secretly while mary jane or another character knocks on the door you drop the magazine in the toilet in surprise and it starts overflowing
you've got mail
phone calls to america online begging them to give you a few more hours to have internet/ and or stealing america online trail discs from neighbors
blue screen of death
going to our website is as easy as typing http://www.mindspring.com/mail/inbox/user.php
(lol of course it turned into a link ><)
AOL instant messenger
at least 20 videogame references at least 10 movie references and at least 10 tv show references a handful of newspaper articles.
pure (gonna save the girl and win her heart route)
sleepless in seattle
friends
titanic
sonic
mario
(evil grooming her to do your bidding route)
Nighttrap sega cd game
silence of the lambs
mortal Kombat
Deliverance
Misery
(Sexual joke about the Shining sisters "come play with us")
tetris
(themes of manipulation basically)
PARENTAL ADVISORY EXPLICIT
I PERSONALLY would also throw in a ton of political jokes but that WILL divide your audience BUT I also see from your other game that you go out of your way to make it inclusive which leads me to believe you slant a certain way anyway. And to put it in plain english
Your game is text heavy and is a slow burn for the porn
That other audience you lose is not going to be interested in investing the time to get to the meat of the story.
Make fun of the art of the deal
buy random nonsense off of QVC
Make fun of the hypocrisy of the church
reference the church calling D&D/Pokemon/Mortal Kombat (satanic and evil)
(pure route)
be trolled in one of the game references
(evil route) troll someone in one of the game references
(random stuff Mary Jane can come across)
Slap Bracelets
Bedazzling
Tupperware Parties (could be a cover for escort service?)
Pogs
Hairspray
(Oh right you gotta reference the hell out of MTV too)
I would also put a direct reference to Heavy Metal and "Take on Me" in there since you are clearly inspired by both in your artwork unknowingly or otherwise.
There that is like 30 something references. You still need a few hundred more.
I know you can do it because as a writer myself your narrative is spectacular! I want as many people as possible to be able to read your story that just keeps getting better and better and they won't if they abandon it do to lack of feeling invested in it.
and of course keep the porn coming
Man! You need to do this! Reviewing games and giving valuable feedback! I mean, I know you said that you did it for a while but I feel so extremely lucky to have your detailed suggestions like this. I wish I had this review 5-6 months ago...
Now, as you might know, I already feel the pressure of delivery of a new update... But now I'm thinking that maybe I should sacrifice a month to work on your suggestions. I think it might worth the wait...
Anyway... thank you again. I'll try to keep in touch asap.
Ok wow enough criticism time for some compliments.
It was your respect and willingness to listen to my suggestions that was the SOLE determining factor in this happening but ya. I gave your game another chance. You had casually but not forcibly mentioned the only thing you didn't agree with was that things didn't happen in the game or something to that effect and that the actual gameplay itself is up to Round 33 so far.
Had I gone a single round further I wouldn't have been anywhere near as much criticism for you.
Your story is so damn good! From round 22 onwards you pack more story and information between each individual round so the feedback I gave was clearly something you had already taken into account long before I gave it :) You just added it to the story as you went along since it is a visual novel after all.
I was trying to figure out when I was playing your game initially what your art style reminded me of and in Round 22 with that absolutely superb animation (as well as the very specific narrative that runs along side said animation I finally figured it out.
The animation (movement) itself is reminiscent of one of my all time favorite series Home Movies (but without the squiggles so I guess from 2nd season on when it wasn't as severe?)
The feel of the animation/artwork is a a color instead of B/W quality is kind of mix of A-ha's Take on Me music video and the artwork is straight out of Heavy Metal from 1981 I think it was called? It is so damn good I really can't praise it enough! And before I even mentioned the other game you had played (what the hell does the name stand for by the way it is so random) I had already taken note of the fact that the artwork in that wasn't as good (though not terrible either) as it is in this game. Which is why I played this one before that one even though that one was finished.
So essentially what you are saying is this is only your 2nd game you have made? But the animation quality is like 5 years worth of experience about the first one. You are definitely going places just keep up the good work it is such a unique art style and your narrative really is great which is why I am 100% confident that you can implement the suggestions I mentioned that I know with 150% certainly will greatly increase your chances of people sticking around for the great story they just have to get to it!
Going to make a separate comment with cliff notes list of the suggestions but not in any priority order. It is going to require a lot more work but it will turn your game from below average with a great story into a genuinely good interactive novel with gameplay elements. I know from years of experience that it WILL greatly improve the quality of the title the most important thing is they get to your amazing narrative That will make or break the entire narrative.
Oh and I will play the game to round 33 if that is how far it is along once it's only fair to you for me to do so after that barrage of "suggestions" and I will check out your other visual novel as the story you are telling here seems to have potential.
Thanks. Goss_IP was my first VN and I was still learning the ropes. But if you don't mind some crude art and little to none animation, you ll enjoy a great story.
Before I forget (as I won't be playing the game for awhile to let it develop further)
The biggest issue is the monotony. if you are truly using a tabletop mechanic you CANNOT under ANY circumstanes use the same two lines of text for encounters you will hit over and over and over again. I would suspect every box on that board will be hit several hundred if not several thousand times. Excluding the "round trip roundup and first introduction" its the same exact dialogue EVERY time. You can put a bandaid on this SOMEWHAT by randomizing maybe 5 to 10 different possible interactions (and I don't even know how that can be done with this type of game design) The best you could hope for is each of the job icons having different dialog at this point.
It feels like you are taking a game engine designed for a visual novel and stretching it for the gimmick of a board game. But since the game design is visual novel and not tabletop mechanic the randomization can only go so far. You are still beholden to recycling specific stills and specific dialogue boxes in a specific sequence. The only random thing is the spot you land on. The dialogue and the way it lvls is the same. It is way too generic. I don't really know what advice I give that you should take because some of it contradicts but unless you can seriously overhaul the tabletop aspect and put in A LOT more "text windows" give clear indicators of "progress to next lvl etc.....then I fear for this game.
The only random thing is the spot you land on.
Not quite true. There are 3 different music scores for the tabletop part and 2 different stills so far for the bistro work. But I guess I have to put much more. Thanks again.
Round 20 Dex 16 Stam 20 Drama 8 Perv 6 About 410 gold.
I really like your illustrations and I get where you are coming from with the plot you are telling but and this is NOT directed just at you but at every unfinished game I play that doesn't do this.
You need to have some kind of in game indicators or warnings that "this content is not yet available" or "coming soon"
I refuse to believe you would expect a player to have stats that high and still not have ranked up in job. That I would have received the 200 gold for a photo portfolio and 6 rounds later still hadn't taken it. Things happen way to slow. There is a lot of monotony here. There is a really great idea of a game here and you state here that it is unfinished but it is better to give some kind of indicator of WHAT is and isn't finished. Its clear you have tutorials and data cards for content that you don't yet have in the game.
Again I get that it is unfinished but it is frustrating to me the player to not know WHAT IS AND ISNT playable. I can tell there is a lot of "empty space" in certain areas. But you are working on the game it isn't finished.
Yet giving no indicator to the player ingame whatsoever that x feature is not yet complete just leaves them grasping at straws and reduces your credibility. It shouldn't. But it does. Pacing is really important in a story I thought it was about the tabletop game when I first started it but now it seems like a good unfinished visual novel using tabletop mechanics to drip out the story. Without some serious overhauls to the tabletop aspect itself. I am guessing the sex shop and party icons aren't going to activate anytime soon. This is just to monotonous. You have what I assume is a good story about helping or corrupting a young girl on the run to hollywood but the tabletop aspect just fragments it out and chops it in to pieces.
I really like your artwork and I really like your characters as it stands I do not like your game. It seems like it is trying too hard to be two things while not finishing either one. But again it is unfinished. I will give it another try when it is much further along in development. If the game is dependant on the tabletop mechanics though then they have to be far less generic than they are currently.
Wow. This is what I call a constructive feedback. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to give me that.
Now, I agree almost to everything you said especially about the monotony of the tabletop part of the game. And I say almost because from what I ve read you have yet to play until the end so far (round 33). Please do. You ll see that there are sex scenes, the sex shop and the party is open, the stats have meaning, the portfolio is about to be done, MJ starts a side career as a dancer etc.
Anyway, although most of the tabletop games are monotonous, I have received various complaints and I feel I need to do something about it. The fact is that I already tried to make it more compact. Shrink the 33 rounds available so far to 23. But I can't say I m happy with the result. The pace was too fast. But I ll try to correct it... Maybe, instead of 23 I ll make it 28...
What's finished and what's not... Here you lost me... Everything is finished up to round 33 so far.
Anyway thank you again. I know my game isn't perfect, that's why it's free after all.
I appreciate that you appreciate it. I used to review games professionally and am pretty obsessed with them. I have alpha and beta tested more than a few over the years and back in the way way way back time machine infancy of Newgrounds I reviewed the hell out of some flash games....Then I forgot my password and ended up going back later on and had to start over. it kind of fell by the wayside. What it comes down to is I am a creative myself but my attention span for my own creations is that of a gnat. I am far better at giving people advice, feedback, positive and negative criticism alike than I am at finishing my own stuff. I have something "in progress yet stalled" for every facet of the entertainment industry...all of them TT It is always easier to tell people what they are doing right or wrong than to focus on my own issues right?
I may tear you a new one but I will be honest about it and if I like something I will praise it as well.
I am VERY new to the itch.io space...even though I created a profile a few years ago and forgot aobut it? (kind of the story of my life) but I see this as a much more high stakes indie community. In a "niche" adult game market where now that I am 35 instead of 13 I don't have to hide the nudie games anymore.
I understand you not agreeing with that last point but that gameplay clock was nearing several hours (before I just started pressing "next" as soon as it popped up. I have noticed the barista scenes are different and I guess I wasn't aware of the music changing. But me ending at 20 was deliberate. It seemed like a good stopgap measure of the absolute bare minimum (major gameplay/story/change increase elements etc.)
If you had some variation in the responses if the same exact line of "here we go again" didn't play every single round...There is just so much repetition. And I get that may be the case in boardgames but even those "spice themselves up" knowing that the true advantage of a board game is interacting with your friends.
If I were to compare your game to monopoly for CD ROM in the early 90s it would NOT hold up well. At least that had like different train whistle sounds for the railroads.... because you responded favorably to my criticism I will throw a little more detail your way. I still don't plan on playing it until it is further along again but at least can give you a blueprint of sorts of what you want to achieve. This is necessary and it is ONLY necessary because of the monotony.
FIRST AND FOREMOST
The game is not finished I know it isn't and you know it isn't the people who download it on the page know it but IN GAME you don't mention it enough. I hate to say it but people aren't as smart as you want them to be in a videogame. You have two camps. One want their hand held for everything. The other wants no hand holding whatsoever. Your goal is to find the middle. You have to give indication within the tutorial itself as well as the game progresses that x feature is still in development. You just have to. Even when you explicitly tell someone THIS GAME IS NOT FINISHED they are going to scream at you BUT HOW COME I HAVE A BUG OF IT NOT WORKING WHEN I LAND ON X SPOT?
A simple (this feature is not available with your current progress) or (this feature is still in development thank you for your support) depending on which it is. will go a REALLY long way to dispelling confusion. You give a tutorial for the whole game board but each round (at first) adds a new "space type" but then it doesn't...and it doesn't...and it doesn't... by the time you hit I think round 7 or so almost all the space are unlocked and then....nothing else unlocks....Round 20 from something like round. 9 to round 20 no other space unlocked. I may not have the correct rounds and it may be more criteria based but if the text in your game has one character explicitly say to another character give me money so she can get those photoshoots. and then 5 6 7 8 rounds later that still hasn't "materialized" into anything that is a problem.
The biggest issue you have is trying to marry the visual novel with the tabletop gameplay. I expected the story to be far more "interactive" BECAUSE of the tabletop element. Its not about it doesn't have enough sex scenes or they don't happen at the right time or anything like that. Speaking purely from a gameplay perspective the pacing is wrong. I feel like you have allowed of experience as a writer of narrative stories and this is a way to dip your toe in the water at adding a little bit more interactivity into your story giving some player input having consequences etc.
Then you have to worry about if the game is too hard or too easy and yes the sex is obviously important I mean it is called tabletop pornstar but I mean just basic stuff.
You have cute little handdrawn cards to the left of the spaces she lands on but especially with the career one there is no information given whatsoever of what you need to accomplish or how quickly to get to that next point.
"I pay my rent and bills" but it doesn't explicitly tell you anywhere "what that amount is" There is a scene where she spends money and your character gets understandably pissed off about it. but my money doesn't change. So that penalty doesn't even exist. These are two entirely different types of games you are making here and to make them as one ESPECIALLY since the story is the meat of your game and the tabletop is the gimmick for interactivity it CANNOT be boring. It just can't be.
Real Talk? At the BARE MINIMUM
progress updates (far more detailed than the ones current every 5 rounds) Hinting but not explicitly telling a player EXACTLY what they need to do to unlock x function. I love the narrative you have here that you either grooming or saving a girl from the ills of tinsel town. I see in the description for the game that will have genuine consequences later on but it doesn't happen quick enough. I could con my way to the pants of the women way too easily. There is no real world interactivity between the gameplay and the story. Its just checkpoints you hit after unlocking specific unspecified numbers.
My guess is you are trying to balance the pro/con of how linear or nonlinear you want the game to be but the unfortunate reality is that the second you decided to make it tabletop themed it became non linear. You probably have a really great story you want this game to tell and the tabletop aspect is a creative way of involving the player but the game itself is too generic right now. You pretty much to have either overhaul the hell out of the gameplay aspect and/or double the size of the story. When you decided to make this a tabletop interactive visual novel it stopped being a visual novel.
And honestly I have no idea how the hell you can fix this that is the fear. I worry that the game is built with an engine specifically for visual novels with very little mechanics outside of that aside from telling the story. Which means every "random" or "other" plot thread means going through your thousands of dialogue option threads and adding a second choice but how do you randomize it? isn't it just a different character talking? a different result? Then you run the very real risk that random dialogue for the completely different storyline will get mixed in with or overlap the other "triggers" for landing on specific spaces getting specific hidden stat bonuses etc.
Example if your plot is really groom or save you REALLY need to drive that point home. I would add a mechanic to assist or hinder mary jane from the player perspective. maybe even a skill tree for it. I had the hidden stat that she is obedient so all 6 rolls become 1 and that was a nice little secret but it should be a randomized gameplay aspect based off of a player decision not something that just happens at a specific point. And again I don't know how easy that is to do. Example being like betrayal and trust mechanics. Right now you have a Perv stat but you don't have an innocence stat. My guess would be that number being lower makes that check happen but since it is a GAME you want to give that option.
I can tell your hands are tied already with quite a few things because of the game engine chosen so instead of worrying about the things you can't change change the ones you can. Go over every line of dialogue and make them unique witty and creative. And (again I don't know how you do this in a visual novel engine) have alternates. I would love to tell you 2 or 3 but its probably closer to 10. It is a text based visual novel with gameplay ELEMENTS.
But things happen way way way too quickly. Speed it up to fast and players won't feel invested. Don't speed it up enough and they will straight up abandon the game entirely. I am actually a pretty patient guy. The amount of time it takes to get the ball rolling by round 20 after several hours of "gameplay" is just way too long. I only played that long knowing the game was unfinished wanting to give the benefit of the doubt give it a little more time to flush out the story etc. But when I "fight" 7 times and at some point in those 7 times I got a visual novel scene (my guess would be 5 as I think I got 3 in one turn) that was an "activation" but on a gameboard about being a pornstar heavily monopoly esque but dumbed down (which is good in this scenario the game needs to be worth playing but it is a companion to your story. The last thing you want to do is sideline the story itself but for people to read your story they have to be able to bear the game.
You don't have enough penaltys. I'm not but a surprising amount of people are. Your board needs to get some life to it. You have generic colored squares. People are colorblind and accessibilty options are defacto for the majority of developers now. They claimed in the past (true or otherwise) that it was a matter of the technology not being available for it. But despite that they all do now. I know quite a few games that actually aren't that great that get praise and far more plays and attention then they normally would JUST FROM the simple addition of disability options. Before that is language of course but excluding menu overlays no one expects every game to be fully translated into 10 different languages ESPECIALLY a visual novel but really anything text heavy. They want it sure but it isn't realistic in the slightest.
Your artwork for the story is great but your gameboard looks like it was drawn in MS Paint. Give the same attention to detail for the gameboard and the piece (which should change as she changes careers should reflect that same level of quality. Every little attention to detail matters (but an artist already knows that right? How often do you erase and redraw a strand of hair that doesn't fall the way you want it to?)
I don't know if 0.2 for you means 20% but I don't think you are there. I think you have a good script worked out on your pc or mac with a lot of the illustrations to accompany it done and quite a few more to go and a an absolutely bare bones pre pre pre pre alpha demo of a tabletop idea to present to a company. If this is called tabletop pornstar it needs some insane overhaul. I don't think this was your intent but because you have now staked the entirety of your novel on that gimmick (not meant as an insult it is just the method of delivery you used to tell the story) you know have to put a much larger emphasis on the tabletop aspect of it. And here is the real problem. The vast majority of tabletop games that are singleplayer only fail. It is physically impossible for you to make your game a multiplayer game because of how heavily it focuses on what is looking to be a great narrative. A company only makes a digital tabletop game a singleplayer experience if they have that existing in the world as an established game. You can play with AI or online with friends....you can't do that in this game and being able to would be like setting your script for the game on fire. That is NOT what you want to do. So it puts you between a rock in a hard place. You want to tell a great story accompanied by your uniquely handdrawn retro vibe illustrations but focusing to much on the tabletop aspect will do just that but not focusing enough means people won't even read past chapter 2 of your 30-50 chapter book.
My guess is that you had been prioritizing the tabletop aspect as maybe about 10-15% of the game. The gameboard itself is a creative medium to tell your story the handdawn animations of Mary Jane at the Barista look absolutely amazing the first time I see them and they still look great the 5 time and the tenth time but by about the 20th time (which is NOTHING in the pace of your game so far) It starts to be a little....ya I know ok give me my 12 dollars so I can move on.)
By the end of my gameplay Or maybe even halfway in Mary Jane started to sound a lot less like a scared beautiful doe eyed runaway and more like Deadpool.
"Here we go again...."
Yes Mary Jane...here we go...again....and again.... which 30 seconds of dialogue will I unlock this time before pressing next on somewhere between 6 to 15 "turns"around the bend?
I know I am being harsh but I am genuinely trying to be as detailed as possible and typing quickly this has taken about an hour to type so far and still not done. Just think of it as a free one man focus group who actually knows what he is talking about.
The gameboard and pieces should evolve alongside the story. Not just narratively but mechanically. I love absolutely love the homemade touch you give your instruction and description cards for the game aspect itself. It feels like you are playing a game your friend made and he scribbled out the instructions for the game as he builds it. And it is also kind of meta because that is exactly what we the players are doing. Playing your game as you build it. I don't love the vague content ON the card....-
Barista, Dancer, Actress, Fighter, Pornstar
Ok...but is this an evolution of HOW my career progresses? Or a description OF some of the jobs available. When do I unlock these jobs? How many properties do I own before I can build houses in otherwords. Then it says $$$ (ok how much?) at least it is honest (varies)
You could get away with SOME of the stuff by changing up the dialog a little bit to make fun of the game itself and in a 4th wall directly referencing what you can't change. Draw a scene of Mary Jane complaining to you the player that she never knows how much money she is going to make or have her bitch at still being a waitress and quit her job midshift for the next thing.
But purity/slut is definitely the way to go. The jobs and interactions should change accordingly. The slut path should be high risk high reward the pure path should be like the tortoise and the hare more steady gradual calculated movements. And again skillsets that directly effect the game itself. The player needs to be able to interact with the board. You gave her a pager which from a story standpoint make sense and is great 90's reference material. The 90's reference stuff is great but you need a HELL OF A LOT MORE of it. You don't have a short book here and you need people to stick around. Your game doesn't have to be groundbreaking but when there are 50 other games just like it that do most of it better you have to focus on what makes your game stand out Setting it in the 90s the theme of the game itself your illustrations the easter egg references playing on the childhood nostalgia of the player. Your main story should still be present obviously but you need a lot of "interactive tongue in cheek reference padding to appease some of the monotony.
But of all of the salt I have poured in your wounds here is the really big one. Everything I said is good advice that may or may not be worth your time to implement may or not be feasible for you to even implement but it won't make your game succeed in the slightest it just makes it a better game.
But you decided to make a porn game....so ya.....your audience is going to want a lot of it...often like REALLY often like 50 times more than you are giving them so far. It doesn't all HAVE to be illustrated but your character should be getting hot and heavy or being hit on hot and heavy just just narratively not just visually but like the game pieces themselves the tone of the text itself has to get more raunchy a lot quicker. Personally I am perfectly fine with your story as it is it is a nice change of pace from the usual throwing the tits in the face 5 seconds into the game but most people are not that patient. ESPECIALLY for the porn games.
Almost every suggestion I have given you even though they are sound reasonable suggestions don't matter anywhere near as much as a lot more sex a lot more often steamy dialogue lewd pictures random encounters people paging her for sex. It completely destroys the heart of your game but it just takes so long for things to happen. Just with more sex your game will succeed better. Your illustrations are great they really are but it could change the overall theme of the story you were trying to tell and very likely risk people not finishing the story at all. Playing it halfway through and sending you messages asking where the F the gallery is! send nudes etc.
You need to have a much more interactive much seedier much more prevalent underbully that involves Mary Jane and those around her much much quicker. I mean you have a tile that says SEX SHOP and two hours into the game it still isn't unlocked?
I am genuinely worried on whether this game can succeed. I know you want it to and I have every belief that you will do everything you can do to make it do so but I don't know what you can and cannot change game engine wise and so many suggestions contradict eachother and all of them add quite a bit more work. The easiest way out is just to add a hell of a lot more porn and 90s references but I did see the cracks of a really good story being told here and I worry that those easy changes would actually change the narrative tone you were going for. Maybe not who knows.
Now go see a nurse about that burn.
Sincerely,
George
O never mind that. That was a good burn. Like the one tequila or whiskey leaves on my throat. Cheers. I ll see what I can do. You are right once again.
Just finished a run and I have to say it was quite enjoyable, I look forward to the next update.
Thx. In a month, the next update will be ready.
Have you finished tabletop yet. It's a fun game I'd love to buy it now if it's done
Thank you. I'm glad you like it. The game is still in development and will be released as I go. Version 0.2 will be ready more or less in a month. Believe or not I'm working full speed but 2d graphics take time (4-8hours each) , animations too. But I love this game too and I d love more see it finished.